Girl friend said goodbye on Monday…

jpdinca

My girl friend, of over 3 years, said goodbye on Monday as we talked on the phone. She said that I reminded her of what she would never have and she wanted to be left alone, a new start. She said that she loves me, but that I should leave her alone if I love her. Her lupus had been in remission for many, many years and it came back about a year ago. I do not know all that she is going through because for the most part we did not talk about it much. Not a good idea based on all the reading I have done on this site. I think we were trying to hold onto “normal”.

She also has abandonment and insecurity issues, but I love her. We had made inroads into these areas, but something has changed with her Lupus and she has panicked. When she panics, she says goodbye.

There is an eight-year age difference between us as I am in my late forties and she is older. I believe a portion of this is a favor or gift, as she wants to spare me having to go through this with her. I have not asked for this in any way shape or form.

It just doesn’t make sense to push away someone you love and loves you. In a world where it is not easy at all to find people who truly care, how can this be better?

I realize that our relationship will change, but isn’t it so worth it to hold onto the person you love? It is worth it to me.

My heart is heavy as I miss my friend and lover.

Jeff

Oluwa · Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:36 am Post subject:

Tell her this....

"It just doesn’t make sense to push away someone you love and loves you. In a world where it is not easy at all to find people who truly care, how can this be better?

I realize that our relationship will change, but isn’t it so worth it to hold onto the person you love? It is worth it to me.

My heart is heavy as I miss my friend and lover."

rob · Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject:

Hi jpdinca,

I understand your pain, albeit from a different perspective. I'm a 40 year old guy who was diagnosed with SLE in 2004. The girl I had been with for six years decided the grass was greener on the non-lupus side of the tracks, and she left. A loving relationship that ends because of Lupus is a terrible thing, whether you are the one diagnosed, or the one who has to give support and understanding. I don't know if I have any real advice, other than let her know how much you love her, lupus, or not. Let her know that you are willing to be there for her in the bad times, as well as the good. Lupus is a serious disease, and can be fatal. It can also be a very manageable disease. No two lupus patients will ever be the same, the symptoms vary widely, as well as the overall outlook for long term management of the disease. Many people do quite well, and can have an excellent quality of life. Tell her you love her. Don't give up. I noticed this is your first post. Please feel free to come here and talk. Most of us rattle around here on a daily basis, so its always easy to find someone to talk to. Hang in there.

Pearl · Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject:

Jeff -

What a lucky woman to have someone like you in her life. I noticed in your post that she told you that you remind her of "what she'll never have." Perhaps, the next time you speak with her, when you tell her that you love her, tell her that the love you have for one another reminds you daily of what you do have, right here, right now. None of us knows that the future will bring. Another ten years of remission? Maybe. Maybe not. So, we must accept this and live, truly live, every day...even when we don't feel so well. There is something to appreciate always. If this is meant to be, it will be. I wish you well. Glad you found this forum. Maybe you could share it with her. She would be welcomed with open cyber hugs.

Jana[/b]

sick n tired · Bear Cub Joined: 18 Nov 2007 Posts: 630 Location: Texas

Jeff,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think she is trying to spare you all of the problems she faces. If she has abandonment issues, then she may wish to break up with you before you find other pastures, like what happened to Rob.

I hope that the two of you can work it out.
_________________
I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.......Robert Frost

kamillah · Sea Monkey Joined: 07 Jul 2008 Posts: 10

Hi,

it may be that she only has room for her illness and to put effort into a relationship is just too much work.. She may be too ill to think of anything else but herself. She may also not want to spare you having to be with someone who feels so sick..

I have thought many times myself that my dear husband would be better off without me and there are many reasons for this. One is that I do not feel good enough to even take care of my own needs and the other one is to spare him from having to be with a sick person. She needs a lot of undrstanding as to why she is thinking the way she is.

I agree that you should tell her what you have told us here.

kamillah